Supporting A Loved One Through Infertility
Infertility is a diagnosed medical condition. It is something that can deeply affect a person’s/couple’s wellbeing, mental and emotional state, and may have physical effects for them too.
If you know someone facing infertility- a friend, a close loved one, a family member, or even just a social media friend here are some ways to support them on their journey,
Infertility does not mean that your loved one has simply lost hope, that they haven’t wished, hoped, been positive enough, or aren’t in the right mind frame to have a baby. They have a medical reason (or sometimes an unexplained reason) which means that they cannot have a baby through natural methods. If they have been brave enough to be open with you, that is a blessing. The tears, heartache, and distress that occurs behind closed doors during an infertility journey are brutal. Often the person/couple is mentally beating themselves up, questioning every decision, watching what they are doing, trying not to stress, as well as taking what feels like a cup of vitamins and medications daily. They don’t need to feel judged or like they need to justify their decisions to anyone else. Even if they are sharing their story.
Even if the comment or suggestion is coming from a place of love, please be careful with how you question or tell a person with infertility how to be or feel or act. Instead, offer support, if you have a suggestion, still offer it, but please do not ever tell someone with infertility what to do. You do not know the full story, or what they have been through on their journey. Everyone grieves differently and they are doing the very best they can.
Please do not:
Tell someone with infertility what to do or not to do – unless you are their medical or natural medicine practitioner.
Tell them how to feel or that they need to be positive – they have struggled through a lot by the time they are sharing with you. If you feel as though they may be feeling negative when there may be hope, send them love and support, offer them a helpful comment that it may not be official and that you are hopeful for them even if they don’t have the ability to be at the moment.
Make them feel as though they need to justify themselves or their decisions to you – even if you feel an action is “wrong” or harmful to their journey, mindset, or mental health, I guarantee you, making people on an infertility journey feel like they have to justify their choices will not make them feel better, nor undo what is done. Offer no judgments, or advice based on value judgments.
Instead:
Offer unconditional support (not at your own health’s expense), see how they are, if they share personal information, consider the trust and vulnerability that goes with that. Offer them an ear to listen, a hug or a virtual hug, a shoulder to cry on, a boxing bag to punch if needed, or just the space to be as they need to be in the moment. Whilst suggestions are well-meant, they have often heard them before and may not want to hurt your feelings.
Let them know you are there for them, that you care and respect them and their decisions.
Research. Look at different treatments they are going through and have had. Understand and learn what it is they are going through and how they may be feeling.
Ask if they need anything from you or if they need anything at all. Some women often feel absolutely rubbish on IVF/IUI medications and would appreciate a helping hand, an odd dinner cooked, or even just someone to chat with when they feel off. It doesn’t need to be big, or even in person, often knowing someone cares means more than you will know.
Respect their privacy and beliefs. If they choose not to share something, please respect that rather than asking if they are pregnant. Sometimes they need time to grieve before sharing, sometimes they want to hold onto the moment of joy and keep it between the two of them just for a moment, or they may be utterly scared that even though it’s positive, that it will be ripped away at any moment. Some women believe that a failed cycle is a loss of a child that was theirs, others believe it is not.
Respect their values and support their feelings. If you don’t agree, you don’t need to, just know that their feelings are real, and they are still feeling them.
Encourage supportive therapies such as mental/emotional support through counseling where appropriate. They may already be seeing someone already or they may not. A gentle supportive suggestion is always nice, to know you care, and that you are looking out for them.
Remember them on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Whilst they may not have an Earthside baby, they are still parents. They may have lost children, they may have some in cryostorage, they may be trying their very best to conceive and have not yet. These special days are often hard as they want to have an Earthside baby to celebrate these days with but do not.
These people are not fragile, they are not broken, they are incredibly strong. They are strong enough to be brave and share even the stigma with you. They are strong enough to reach out for support. Please do not make them need to be strong enough to justify their decisions and choices to you as well. They are carrying a lot more on their shoulders than you know. Share love and kindness.
Yours in harmony and health,
Rachael xx
