Personal Journey with Infertility
This is going to be a little bit of a raw post as I explain my personal dance with fertility, and how the universe has nudged me, not so gently in this direction.
As many of you know already, I have SLE or Systemic Lupus. It can be a full-on and sometimes scary autoimmune condition, I am lucky enough to not have had it attack organs and for the most part, it is termed “mild”. I also have PCOS and suffered from terrible periods for the last 21 years of my life. That’s right, I was about 8 or 9 when I had my very first period. For years the doctors tried the pill to control the insane bleeding and pain. Until year 12 when I was forced to drastically shift my diet and lifestyle and within a few years the pain settled quite significantly. Despite having hormonal panels that showed I was not ovulating, my body continued to shed its uterine lining month after month. I was told many times that having children would be very difficult when I wanted to, but I always had this hope that despite all that, when the timing was right, I would be able to.
Fast forward to today. I recently married the love of my life and best friend. The timing should surely be, right?
Unfortunately, the fact is, we’ve been trying for over 12 months now. We desperately held off hope that at our wedding we would be able to announce to all of our closest friends that we were pregnant, but that didn’t happen.
At the 9 months of trying mark, I started having this intuitive feeling that there was something more at play. My periods came every month, but the cycle varied. The length varied, I started having more spotting, flooding, and pain. I’d simply pop on my “activewear” to help with the pressure and it was manageable. Or so I kept telling myself.
The ultrasound result day came. No signs of PCOS at present, however, I had a fibroid and 2 cysts growing in my right ovary. I remember it clearly as the doctor told me I likely had Endometriosis.
I broke down – I knew that meant our journey to conception was about to get a whole lot harder and a whole lot more expensive.
I know how this condition was in nature, it grows like a weed, spreads, and takes over. I had read it in textbooks over my years of study, I had seen it in the student clinic. It wasn’t fun!
I kept thinking, if someone had said to me in high school that I had Endo, sure, I’d not give it a second thought, but today, when my pain is much less, the cycles more consistent, sure I have random pains but I have Lupus, so surely it’s just that?!
Fast forward through the Gynocologist trying to instill hope that it could be something else, only to tell us that I need laparoscopic surgery and it is looking more like Endo. Fast forward through the worry, the tears, research on IVF, the grieving for the unknown, the possibility of stillbirth through IVF.
Just days into married life, the day of the consult with the Gynocologist/surgeon. Thankfully he understood the little pains I get (well, I say little but I’m sure Hubby would tell you otherwise after seeing me rolling in pain, unable to breathe from the pain, and tears involuntarily falling down my face), and mentioned he wasn’t surprised. An examination and ultrasound lead to the diagnosis, Endometriosis, severe Endometriosis. My pelvic area was completely infiltrated with endometrial tissue. Ovaries tied down the whole works. The glimmer of hope was that after the operation, chances of natural conception would improve as this is definitely contributing to the infertility we are experiencing.
It seems so silly. When I was diagnosed with Lupus, I knew I had it. It made sense of the symptoms and I needed the diagnosis to recognise I wasn’t going crazy. With this diagnosis, I kept hoping this ultrasound was going to be clear.
But it wasn’t.
And now I am sharing with the world my story. Not for attention, but to explain. Many couples experience infertility, lots unexplained, some explained. But all experience the grief, the longing for a child, the unexplainable sadness that comes along for the ride.
I have a loving and supportive family unit. My husband is the absolute best. Nothing phases him on the outside (even though I see right through it). He supports me, he supports us. The parents in my family, all understand where we are and what we are going through. The conversation is honest and while some days it hurts more to be around them, I honestly love being around their children, it helps bring back the light through a dark and tough time.
Thankfully, we recently received better news, that my left ovary appears to be of healthy nature (well, other than endometrial lesions) and we have a chance of natural conception post-operation.
Prior to this news, I had moments of complete rawness. Days where I would cry, be an emotional wreck thinking about how we may never conceive. I was lucky to have only encountered one comment that threw me. It was a simple question about how we would start trying soon, and how great of parents we would make. I thank my mother for building my resilience as a child, because I tell you, this one comment was not malicious in any way, but it hurt.
Comments about having children, questions about when, how many – these comments can cut through you like a sharp knife as if you feel your ovaries break with that comment. You feel broken like your body can’t do the one natural thing it should be able to do. I wanted to tell these people what was going on, but then the guilt, the shame, and the sympathy that follows is just as unbearable. I have only encountered one, soon after we were married, some people encounter these constantly and my heart goes out to you.
This is me, a little over 12 months on the journey. Some couples go through this for over 5 years before they conceive or don’t. It breaks my heart that there are so many people desperate to become a parent but doing so is breaking them.
So here are some tips from me to you, you don’t need to have infertility for these to help, or even know someone who is going through infertility.
Listen to your body. Don’t dismiss pain as another condition – go get it checked! You are better to be safe than sorry.
If you feel something is wrong, it’s okay to be assertive and say so to your doctor. Mention the symptoms that are bothering you and why you feel they are more than just a little symptom.
As much as you want to know when a couple are trying, there are many reasons they may not have disclosed this. Respect their privacy and their right to announce this in their time. Instead, ask how they are and let them know you are there for them. They will open up when the time is right for them.
I’m going to write this again. Get things checked out. I had a great lecturer in uni that would always push us to refer patients. We need to ensure things are investigated. Simple things can be symptoms of a much bigger underlying issue (as it was in my case). This needs to be investigated so we can identify and treat the underlying cause AND to make sure we aren’t dismissing things as a different condition to what it really is.
If you are going through infertility, it’s always wise to seek support. Whether that’s a counselor, family, a naturopath for holistic support, or a friend. I know you are strong, it’s a tough process to work through yourself though and a helping hand can really lighten the load you are holding.
Due to this nudge from the universe, you may see some more posts about fertility and female reproductive health as my specialty shifts to include female health alongside autoimmune. I am excited for what the future holds and how my personal journey opens a new door for me to assist you.
Yours in harmony and health,
Rachael Mazzer xx
