How To Survive Christmas with infertility
Are you dreading the festive season because of the non-stop questions about when you’re going to have kids? Or perhaps you have friends and family who grill you on how your conception journey is going?
Let’s face it – infertility is tough enough as it is. But when you’re having the topic constantly raised in social situations or see children running around, Christmas can feel like your very own circle of hell.
This is something I’ve experienced personally. Shortly after our wedding in September, we were told that our chances of natural conception were slim to none. We were still reeling from that news when Christmas rolled around – and then the questions began.
‘Wedding done, kids are next?’
‘So when are you two going to start your family?’
‘You know you don’t have forever to get started!’
Due to the stigma that still lingers around infertility and us wanting to keep it private, most people didn’t know better. They knew that we wanted kids, and presumed it was our next step. But what they didn’t know was that we had already been told that we may not be able to have children.
By Boxing Day, I became that classic case – a woman who excused herself and made herself scarce. There were 4 young kids running around, and I couldn’t put on a face and smile when people asked us about our family plans anymore.
The stress, the expectations, the lost hopes, the dream that felt out of our reach – I felt broken. In my mind, it was me who couldn’t provide my husband with what we both badly wanted.
Tips For surviving Christmas with infertility
Unfortunately, we cannot prevent everyone from asking questions or making comments. But what we can do is educate them, and help them to understand our perspective by sharing and being honest.
Now this doesn’t mean you need to share everything about your fertility journey and struggles! But you are allowed to share that someone’s comment or question makes you uncomfortable.
The best way to do this is to take the personal aspect out of the equation, and make it about the situation. This is where I like to use the ‘I’ statement:
When <situation> happens, it makes me feel <emotion>. In future, could you please <solution>, thank you.
So as an example:
When you ask about when we’re going to fall pregnant, it makes me feel uncomfortable. In future, could you please leave the subject alone until we’re ready to have that conversation with our family/friends?
Some other useful tips to reduce the effect on yourself and your partner include:
Having a safe zone – a space that you can retreat to for some quiet time or a rest
Meditation and mindfulness – ideally use before and after to help calm your thoughts and process
Using anxiety exercises – I love the one that says look for 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 you can taste
Know your personal triggers – avoid if possible, or at least have a plan to minimise them. There is no need to feel guilty when it comes to protecting your mental health!
Seek advice from your counsellor or psychologist for strategies to help you cope
See your naturopath for some flower essences or herbs to support you with the additional stress
Give yourself permission to feel your emotions and process them in your own time
Personally, the last one is what helped me the most to accept and cope during the festive season and beyond. Every time we encountered a situation – from a social occasion to an IVF round – I allowed myself the time to process whatever arose.
Are you in need of some additional stress support to get through the holidays intact? I’m here to help. Book in an appointment today and we can gather some tools to give your nervous system some much needed TLC.
